The Steampunk of Time
by JustLikePagliacciDid
Summary: In the steampunk future of Hyrule, an evil corporation run by a wicked president rules the land, plotting an ultimate evil... and it's up to a moneygrubbing kid and an heiress to stop them.


A rotund man surrounded by blue-uniformed helmeted guards was standing on a large podium in a large plaza in a large city chocked by a large cloud of smog. While people were getting used to the giant metropolis bit, the smog was all too much. As such, they were shouting angrily at the rotund man and heckling him ruthlessly.

"Please, people, we're reviewing the corporation's practices, and we'll reach a decision any day now," the man was saying.

"Yeah, a man working for a group of corporations reviews one of those corporations!" someone shouted. Suddenly, a rock was thrown, striking the man right in the temple. He collapsed like a piece of gelatin. His guards shouted angrily and drew heavy clubs, proceeding to hammer at the riotous crowd. However, before anyone could react, an unknown rioter drew a pistol and fired at a guard. The guard's helmet was similar to that of a motorcyclist, but included a nifty transparent visor, obscuring the face. However, this visor did nothing to protect the guard's face against a ball of lead flying at two-hundred miles an hour, and was promptly shattered. As he collapsed to the ground, it became apparent that the unfortunate guard's face had been mutilated beyond recognition.

His comrades found this attack deeply offensive.

They drew their single-shot rifles and fired into the crowd. There was panicked screaming, and the rioters fled down streets and back allies. Two pairs of eyes observed this entire incident without comment, though one pair was not aware of the other, until the knowing of the two spoke.

"The world is shifting, Mr. Temi."

Mr. Temi jumped nearly ten feet in the air and, upon landing, stumbled back, looking at the speaker, a grey-haired, owl-like man in a dull black suit, who had a businesslike frown on his face.

"Who the hell are you!"

"My name is Mr. Rauru, Link Temi, things are changing rapidly. The corporation is breaking down under the battery of the Xamr Rebellion. The Gorons are rising up against their socialist overlords, while the Gerudo power struggle comes to a head. You are at the center of it."

"But, but, I have nothing to do with any of this!" Link babbled.

Mr. Rauru chuckled. "You thought it was more than coincidence that you look just like your namesake? Blonde hair, blue eyes… it's more than that, Mr. Temi. Find the Princess of Destiny, and all will be revealed."

Mr. Temi felt no desire to go find any princess, nor did he care what all this was about. He just wanted to go home and send what he saw into the papers. "I don't care."

Mr. Rauru looked cross. "What if I told you there's a supremely valuable artifact in it for you?"

There was a silence.

"When do I start?"

Mr. Rauru and Link were standing outside Link's uncomfortablely cramped apartment. It was in particularly smoggy section of town, where members of the world's oldest profession routinely open new practices in the alleys, and Ungentlemanly gentleman of fortune lounge on the cobbled streets. The buildings were falling apart, and piles of debris were gathered in vast pyramids, where children of the unfortunate routinely play.

"Now," began Mr. Rauru, "we need to find you a decent weapon. There are any number of excellent swords about, but I think we need something more modern."

"Like _this_," said Link, with a sarcastic emphasis on the latter word. He headed into the apartment, and returned baring a pistol. There was a brief silence.

"That isn't going to cut it," said Mr. Rauru with a chuckle, "In order to fill the role fate has created you, you require a melee weapon, something a true hero would wield."

Link cogitated for a few moments on the meaning of the word 'melee', and, coming to understand its meaning, he glanced around, and grabbed a piece of debris from a pile of rubble. It was a long, rusty piece of steal piping, turning at a right angle at the far end. Rauru looked cross, but made no comment on the pipe.

"Now, you are in need of training. I shall show the ways of combat-"

"Hey," said Link, "You didn't say anything about training. I want the priceless artifact."

Rauru looked cross. "Damnit, if you want to go into the Capitol and die in the first five minutes, THAT'S FINE WITH ME!"

There was a brief silence.

"You didn't say anything about breaking into the Capitol."

"I never said we wouldn't."

"Is the treasure in there?"

"Link, do you think with you're bank account?" Rauru said, crossly. "Yes, the fairest woman in all the world, the Prophetess of Hyrule, and the Princess of fate lives there, waiting for one such as you to rescue her." There was a silence.

"That's just mean," said Link, grumbling. "All this time, I thought I was going to get rich."

Rauru sighed. "Just… trust me. Besides, I can teach you afterwards." So, Link and Rauru proceeded through the dystopian streets of the city, factories belching smog in the distance while people hurried past, heads bowed. As they walked past, they heard the deep outrage of the city guards.

"How rude," one was saying, "to actually shoot one of us in the visor. Surely, it is enough to be hit in the chest… but these _barbarians_ decided to add _both_ insult and injury to Corporal Wilkin's death!"

"Here, here," said another, guard, face hidden beneath a helmet and visor, "I daresay that was rather offensive. Surely, the rioter would at least have the decency to shoot him in torso. Well, I must be off. Tallyho!"

"The formality is bad enough, but the fake accents make puppies cry," Link commented.

As the duo traveled through the city, they passed the great monuments of ages gone by: Monument of the Sages, the Statue of the Hero of Time, and, greatest of all, the Grand Spork. Soon, they arrived at the gates to the Capitol, a head quarters for the greatest corporations of Hyrule.

"This is the threshold of a brave new world, which that has such wondrous creatures in it. You are standing here, prepared to take this path. If you wish to turn back do so now." Rauru said, gravely.

"Is their still money in it?"

"I'll take that as a yes."

Getting into the Capitol was the tricky bit. They had to walk the perimeter of the fortress walls, looking for a loose sewer grate. Then, they had to wait four hours until the guards were distracted, and then climb through the grimy tunnel leading to the Capitol.

They emerged behind the walls, and slunk through the shadows. The castle gate was open, but held be several guardsmen. Rauru led them through to the Capitol moat, and entered the water system. From there, it was a short swim to the courtyard, where the two muddy strangers emerged from the moat.

This was not strange to the Capitol's residents. They'd seen the Grand Spork slay a dragon, after all.

"To the dungeons, dear boy, to rescue the Princess of Destiny."

"Does she have the artifact?"

"I SAID TRUST ME, DAMNIT!"

Zelda was sitting in a slimy dungeon cell. She reflected that badmouthing the President had probably been unwise, but publicly accusing him of tyranny had been just plain stupid. However, the thing that really sealed her fate and stuffed it down a toilet was her refusal to turn over the artifact. It was priceless, and bestowed great power upon he who wielded it. Denying it to the most powerful man on the planet was perhaps dangerous.

It was just then, though, that she heard two pairs of feet descending the steps into the dungeon.

"… magic," one voice said, "nice. When are you going to clean my clothes?" Suddenly, there was a cry of "Ack!" and _thump thump thump thump thump_. A young man had fallen down the stairs. His battered clothing was rather grimy, and he looked generally P.O.ed.

"Careful, boy, you're in the presence of the daughter of the Termania Corporation's President," the owl-like man said as he descended the stairs.

"Ooh," the boy said, suddenly swiveling his head round to star at the blonde-haired blue-eyed girl through the cell bars as if she were a brilliant white pearl among a pile of filth. "What's her networth?"

"I find your singular ability to totally miss the point quite shocking." The owl-like man turned to Zelda. "Heiress, I apologize for my comrade's cynicism. I hope you're not offended."

"Offended? Hardly. I was offended when they threw me in this cell," Zelda said, remaining cool.

"We are here to free you from the President's cruelty. Now," he said to Link, businesslike. "We must use a degree of subterfuge to get the key to Miss Zelda's cell. It is in the possession of a guard, up several floors, who must not be alerted to our presence." Link, however, had a better idea. He drew his pistol, and, with a single shot, blasted the lock off of the cell!

"That works too," said Rauru. The Princess stepped out of the cell, glad to be able to stretch her bones, but worried. "Won't the guards come running?"

"There hasn't been a guard on this floor for deacades," Rauru said.

"Where's the artifact?" asked Link.

"For god's sake, boy, we'll get it next!"


End file.
